Ominous Alien Message
Ominous Warning From Deep Space Intercepted
Alien Message From Deep Space
A Top Secret deep space scanning array facility, located in a highly classified location, has intercepted what scientists believe is an ominous alien message. The message initially came through as a series of repeating Fast Radio Bursts (FRB) several years ago but has since taken on a more recognizable conga beat rhythm.
According to our anonymous source, the transmission was picked up by the hyper-sensitive ultra-long-range Zorx Multi-Phase Scanner. Since this is a classified piece of equipment, we have nothing to offer you, our inquisitive readers, other than pure conjecture, which we feel is good enough. When we come up with something, we will post it in a future article. Maybe.
Although not yet confirmed, we are told that the signal is not from a quasar or a black hole. Although researchers have not ruled out and shopping networks as a likely source.
Regardless, the discovery, like many other great discoveries before it, was achieved by accident. It occurred when the sole technician on duty at the array facility lab left his post to get a cup of coffee and a doughnut from the adjacent break room. When he returned to his seat, he noticed a strange repeating oscillation on the monitor in front of him.
The unnamed technician attempted to claim the credit for the amazing discovery, but upon thorough internal investigation by authorities and the janitorial service, it was found the device’s “auto-scan mode” had been switched to “manual override” by Lustra, the research facility’s mascot cat. It turns out that Lustra helped clean out a few bugs in the device. Literally, bugs. The cat obviously knew what she was doing, as she zeroed in on the exact coordinates of the signal’s origin. Feline intuition? Perhaps. Reports have it that the little kitty has since been promoted to Technical Supervisor. The technician in question now reports to her.Due to the complicated nature of the alien transmission, a cluster of AI (Artificial Intelligence) androids was interrupted from their bridge game to process the message. Let the record show that we are not privy as to which pair of AIs were winning at the time. But before turning their attention to the message, a brief altercation among them erupted, relating to alleged cheating. This has no significance to the story, other than to note that only AIs are truly accomplished at cheating at bridge. This same talent allows them to excel at decoding operations.
The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you. ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson
Our source has informed us that researchers are debating whether to publicize the existence of the cryptic message. Should they be given the “green light” from government authorities, the research scientists will beg the AIs to further translate the message from proper English to Twit-Speak for public dissemination.
The only thing we have learned, so far, is that the signal contains what is considered to be an oft-repeated character. The source has informed us that when graphically displayed it resembles a flipped bird. We’re not quite sure what is meant by that, but it sounds very scientific.
Allowing for the difficulty of transliterating an alien language, the dire message is as follows:
Yes, scary stuff, ladies and gentlemen.
This amazing development may prove once and for all that there is extraterrestrial (ET) or alien life out there and that our viewer ratings will soar. If indeed there are space aliens, how will we know if they are friend or foe? Should we build a wall around our planet? Many things to consider!
Adding to the mystery is the fact that there is no way to know for certain when this transmission was sent. Depending on the alien technology used, it could have been sent eons ago by a now-extinct race or it may have been sent only a few months ago.
To consider the Earth as the only populated world in infinite space is as absurd as to assert that in an entire field of millet, only one grain will grow.
~ Metrodorus of Chios (4th century BCE)
Although we have attempted to verify this astonishing revelation, all government and military officials refused to confirm or deny any knowledge of this event. A few members of the science community have quietly hinted that the end is nigh. Which end, remains to be seen.
One questionable high-level official who agreed to briefly speak with us dismissed the whole thing as a hoax and “fake news.” Curiously, this person had a strange complexion, and he did not appear to be breathing. In addition, his head pulsed somewhat. All due to allergies, no doubt.
So, dear reader, continue to check back with us for further updates should they come in. And watch the skies in case that which we should avoid finds us!